Thoughts from the Bank

December came and went suddenly. Tom says it was his most peaceful Christmas ever. I don't remember any of the holiday season. The first part of December, when I usually ease into the season, listen to Christmas music, go to rehearsals and soak up the Christmas spirit, was absorbed by saying goodbye to Grandma. While I was gone to Pullman the first time, Tom knocked a picture off the wall, one that had a big collection of photos in it. One of them was my favorite picture of Grandma--a picture I took at Stu's wedding. I'm still waiting to replace the frame, so I took the picture out and stuck it on my fridge, just at eye level. So often during this crazy season as I've been in the kitchen cooking or cleaning, I've whipped around to get something out of the fridge and found her just behind me, smiling and watching me. A few times it's made me cry. Once it made me apologize and scrape out some eggs with my finger. Sometimes I talk to her. Mostly I just feel the warmth of her presence and her watchful, opinionated, loving eye watching over everything I do.

I promised her in the hospital that I was going to make some changes, and I have. I came home and told Tom to hire a paralegal. I'd been sliding into the paralegal job, enjoying working for him, and gradually letting Nigel spend more time with babysitters. We were considering a lovely Montessori school for Nigel three mornings a week. Tom's doing well, but I was feeling pressure to earn more, pay debt back faster, and I do enjoy working with Tom. Isn't it strange how you can suddenly be jolted out of the flow of your life and find yourself sitting off at the side watching the river flow on? Just a moment ago, you were being swept along with the current, you were feeling the urgency of the next boulder, the waterfall coming up, swimming hard, positioning yourself, meeting the crises just barely in time. Then, it's only been a moment, but everything's changed. You're sitting on the bank and none of it matters at all. That's how I still feel right now. Who cares where we live, where we vacation, what we drive? I want to spend my time ONLY on the things that seem important from the bank.